New Year; Same Me

It's crazy how much evil and disfunction surround this world. It's even crazier to me how much it surrounds my own life. I take pride in the fact that I'm a very honest person. From my actions to my words, I don't have the energy or the capacity to fumble with the truth. What  I say is how I see it. Maybe my judgment or perception is off, but when I say I'm an open book, it's true. There is no guessing with me. To have someone call me a liar because they don't want to hear what's coming out of my mouth... really sets me back. I'm really sick of being judged for or talked down to because I do and stand for whats right to me. It amazes me how little respect and consideration is taken into account when making every day choices. Everyone feels like they are above the rules, like nothing applies to them cause "they got this". Yet, when shit hits the fan, they are the victims. My parents don't have all they have because they worked the bare minim and were handed everything. They made choices that bettered theirs & my future. They did what was right, they worked hard, they made sacrifices. They didn't drink or piss their paychecks away. They had respect for authority and sometimes they bit their tongue, took the bullet, did what they didn't want to do because at the end of the day it was the right thing to do.  The only person who can change your life is you. The only person who can make each day a good day, is you. The only way to turn your life around is by being honest with yourself. Life is hard, shit happens, but ultimately you are the only one to blame for it. You have choices in life, not always the most favorable choices, but you have them. You are the driver of your life. Stop blaming others, stop looking for excuses, stop looking for the easy way out, or for the thing that makes you happy and feel good. That's all bullshit. This isn't some cliche quote to inspire you. This is the cold hard truth from where I stand. I am physically sickened with the amount of drama, disfunction, abuse, evil, alcohol, fighting, and petty crap that surrounds people who have the potential to be great and do great things. I have an extremely blessed life because of the morals I have, because of the work ethic I have, because of the morals my parents have, and because of the work ethic my parents have. 2013 was an incredibly blessed year for me, and when it comes to life choices, I am pretty damn proud of most of them. I've done a lot of growing up this last year, a lot of changing. Not because I wasn't okay with the person I was before, no, but because that's life. Life is constantly evolving and as a young adult, you are constantly experiencing new things- learning and living. I am evolving as a person because a new ball was thrown into my court. A lot of people have new year resolutions... I've never played into that game because I think every day is a new start. Every moment is a new moment to make newer and better choices. Every experience is one to live through and learn from. So, no I will not set a resolution for this next year. I will say this though. I am going to focus on not enabling people. Not feeling bad for situations people find themselves in. To stop feeling the pressure of saving people. Not to so easily buy the bullshit that's being fed. Instead see the good that is in people- great or small. Except that not everyone is going to stand up for what is right or even stand up for themselves. People are going to make choices that will contradict what I believe in. People are going to disappoint me. Some will never have the courage enough to change. But at the end of the day, my life is good because of the choices I've made. I won't apologize for my choices or my success. I won't try to hide my life out of fear someone may get offended. My life is good because I choose to make it good, not because I was "dealt a good hand". Life isn't about how successful you are, it's about how you take a bad situation and still come out on top. So in 2014 I'm going to keep moving forward, cause that's just what life is. A path , a trail, an obstacle. I'm going to keep moving forward, not getting held back by other's choices. My choices are my foot steps and my hurtles are those who I allow to stop me. Those who are with me at the end of the path are those who stood tall, and honest, and made choices for themselves rather then sit and sulk in the piles of shit known as life. 

October

It's been about a month since my last blog. 

Life at NIU has been great. It sure is a change. I still find myself thinking " Holy Moly, I am real college student" or "Wow, I really do live out on my own now". It amazes me how it really is happening and I am really doing fairly well.

Living with roommates has been an adjustment. I've had to learn to hold my tongue and learn when it is appropriate to say something. 

Overall, I've loved living on my own. I feel like I am an cleaner more organized person - even though I don't think I've ever struggled in that department. I have learned to appreciate the awesome home my parents have provided for me as well as the skills my parents, but mostly my mom, have taught me to stay clean and "adult like". 

I have been "home" a lot! I just can't seem to get use to not living in Woodstock. Thats where my family and friends are. That is my home. I will never not call Woodstock my home. And I pray that no matter where life takes me, I end up back in Woodstock at the end of each day, cause it is such a struggle not to be there. 

Because I have been home so much, I haven't had the chance to really "miss people" haha, although I would love to see the people I love MORE. That has been an adjustment, not seeing people AS much. 

The last two weeks I have gone home to work. And I will be doing the same this weekend. I can not stand not working. It really must be apart of my "Learman Make-up' cause I am going stir crazy not being able to work and make money. I feel like I am tied down not having an income. Although my financial situation is comfortable, I still enjoy being able to spend my money whenever I please without having to worry about where that money is coming from. I have a new understanding for those unemployed! 

My workout journey has been a roller coster like most! I was doing great this summer. When I moved it was a struggle to keep the momentum up! Just when I thought I was back into the swing of things,  I decided to jump back out of my comfort zone and meet yet again a NEW trainer. Now 4 weeks into it with him, I am so happy I made that choice. My nutrition as been back and forth. Honestly, my biggest obstacles are 1. eating breakfast every morning. I have never been a huge breakfast eater. I am not always hungry when I wake up, I don't leave myself enough time to eat, or I just really am not into breakfast foods. My trainer has explained to me how important it is to eat breakfast and now that I have been trying I see a huge difference. But it's not an obstacle I've conquered yet. Another challenge for me is drinks. Most people crave desserts, me however, I can't stay away from Starbucks & beer. Can you blame me? It's fall, what fall picture is not complete with out a cup of joe in hand? And um, excuse me, I just turned 21. Every weekend is a drinking weekend, right? ... wrong. I've had to learn to change my picture perfect life. I avoid Starbucks like the plague, unless I'm meeting fabulous people there. Then it's a valid reason to find a low calorie beverage to indulge in! I've managed to avoid the bars for the last two weekends, and will yet again succeed this weekend. But next weekend is the 2nd NIU home game, and you can bet your bottom dollar I not only will be attending the game, but a beer will be in my hand ... at all times... all day... Baby steps right? 

After high school I reap-idly said "Universities are not for me" or "college life will never happen for me" to my surprise, I was wrong.. shocker? I am so happy to say that this version of "college life" has been great and I am so excited to see what is yet to come! 

living to learn .... 

Enjoying the Ride

The fact that I have not blogged since February is ridiculous. My life has changed so much since then. 

First off in March, I met with an advisor at MCC to discuss what was next for me. Little did I expect for her to be printing off information about transferring to another school... I applied to Northern Illinois University on a whim. As my mom said " do it, what's the worst that could happen?" Two weeks after NIU received all my paperwork I got an e-mail informing me I had gotten accepted. It was actually on Easter, while my family & I were packing up our stuff at hotel in Los Angeles, California from out family vacation. 

Everything seems like a whirl wind from there. Two of my friends from MCC were also transferring to NIU in the fall & it just fell into place that we would find an apartment together. 

In May my parents & I drove the hour trip to NIU for orientation. I was filled with mixed emotions. I still felt like everything was happening too fast. This was far from my normal and change has always been hard for me. By the end of orientation I was signed up for classes 

Summer is always a crazy, but enjoyable time for me. My parents surprised me with a big 21st birthday party where all of my friends & family joined us! It was truly one of the best moments of my life and I am so thankful to have those memories. 

 I headed off to Country Thunder with my best friend, Abby Sue, mid-July. It was an entirely different experience from the previous year. I loved every moment of it and it is something I will forever be reminiscing about! 

Somewhere in there I received a note in the mail from Abby, asking me to be her maid of honor in her wedding. That too is moment I will always remember. She had asked me if I had gotten anything in the mail, and another friend of her's that was asked to be in the wedding had put something on facebook, so I had a hunch I was going to be asked to be in the wedding. Never ever ever did I expect to be asked to be the MOH! I remember my jaw literally dropping & I thought I was going to cry. I was so floored and excited! This next year is going to be so much fun helping my "older sister" plan her big day! 

End of July I signed a lease for a townhouse in DeKalb. Everything from there till now seems like a blur. I've been on my own for three weeks now. I wished and hoped to be out of my parents house for so long, that its surreal that it's actually happen. The fact is, living on my own and being responsible for  household responsibilities isn't as scary as I thought. It's been strangely easy to make sure everything is is clean, in order, presentable, and paid.  

This new experience has taught me so much about myself in such a short time. For one, it taught me how much I really do appreciate my parents. Their help financially, emotionally, and physically has blessed me beyond belief. My parents have always been long time thinkers. They made decisions when I was a baby that are now tremendously paying off. 

Never in a million years did I think moving out would be so hard emotionally. I've been home twice since I moved and every time I have to say good-bye I choke up and get teary eyed. I know it's not really good-bye, for real, I live 60 minutes away. But it's a change not to be waking up in the room I spent 12 years of my life in. It's hard knowing that when I walk out that front door, I'm not gonna be in a town I literally was born & raised in. It's crazy to think that if something happens, there is still 60minutes between me & the people I love. It's made me appreciate my family so much more then I ever thought could or would happen. 

Because of the move and the change to a four year university, I am no longer really working. The plan is to occasionally work on weekends, and I have jobs already lined up, but life seems extremely boring when you go from working 45+ hours a week to working none. Saying good-bye to my babysitting families was hard. I cried with every good-bye that came. Again, I know it's not good-bye, but these people became apart of my daily and weekly life. They were my "normal" for three years! I had the privilege of watching these kids grow up! Life seems dull now with out them. 

Classes have been a change as well. My teachers are totally different then the teachers I've ever had! It also is a huge religious change. I went from a private school where we prayed before every class, to a school that NEVER dropped the word "God" or anything related, to a school that openly embraces diversity. Maybe it's the classes that I'm taking or the fact that I'm now in a new area, but each person's differences are openly discussed and welcomed almost in every class. It's been an eye opener to the "real world". 

Another huge change that as come my way is the journey of loosing weight. A week after my birthday my family & I joined anytime fitness. Since then I have lost 25lbs & 12inches. I was going strong all summer. Recently, I've struggled with getting to the gym in a new town and I still have not brought myself in to meet the new trainer, but I refuse to let this new routine fall to the waste side. It feels good to work hard, eat healthy, and physically & emotionally feel like a new person. My goal is to drop several dress sizes by the time Abby's wedding rolls around. But not only that, I want to be confident in the way I feel and carry myself. I've never been shy person or allowed my weight to hold me back. But now that I fighting against my weight, I see how it has held me back with out me even knowing. I refuse to allow that to continue. I want to be healthy, fit, and active. I want to live life to the fullest, I want live up to what I am MADE to do & be! 

Life has given me some unexpected changes in the last 6 months. I've managed to put my anxiety and worries aside and so far have enjoyed the ride. I'm excited to see what's in store next! 

The Best is Ahead

It's been almost two months since my last entry. Kind of disappointed in myself, but truthfully, not much to write about. Life has been strangely, normal. I go to school, I work, I try to stay organized. There has been a lot of work lately, which I am so incredibly thankful for. In the last couple of weeks, however,  it has left me missing my friends... a lot. Once again, it is a valuable lesson in scheduling for me. Although I love working and dedicating a majority of my life to working, I still have a need for "friend time". Organizing myself so that I have a few days completely and totally off from school and work is a necessity so that I can unwind and laugh with some of the most important people in my life. 

I thank God every day for the people, the moments, the opportunities that have come my way in life. I am beyond blessed and my hope is that I use these blessings, these gifts, these advantages to get a head in life, to better myself, to become independent. But also to touch another person's life, to give them a blessing, to do on to others what others have done on to me. Although I am young, and {hopefully} have many years ahead, I feel the clock ticking. Not in a bad sense, but in a I am becoming an adult. There are moments in a day where I find myself completely shocked how "adult" I sound. No doubt about it, I have a long way to go, but slowly, the best days are ahead. 

Living to Learn... 

Happy New Year!

Two nights ago I rung in the new year with two of my closest friends. I can not believe it's 2013!! I feel like I just wrote a post about ringing in 2012!!!

Twenty Twelve was a whirl wind year. It flew by!  I ended my first year of college, started my second year with a new major and career path. I turned 20, officially leaving me teen years behind! I have been working my butt off building a group of families I regularly work for.

My brother went off to college, my sister became a "upper class-man" and got her license. SkyeLeigh Rae turned three!! Abby Sue, my best friend & older sister, got engaged! I went to Country Thunder for the first time and had a blast, hopefully making it a tradition. My friendships have expanded and grown.

My goals for 2013 are to budget myself and save more money. To start paying more of my own bills. To work hard and set up things that I can rely on for years and years to come. To find a school that will be a right fit for me in the future and to hopefully make plans of moving out or something

Every day is another step in the right direction. Growing up. Living and Learning.