On Wednesday, May 2nd, I finished my Spring semester. Well kind of. I have 1 assignment to e-mail in and an online final exam for my online art class. I have to say I am not too ashamed of my grades this semester. Could they be better? Yes. Could they be worse? Yes.
After the semester I had, I am okay with the way things turned out. College isn't what I imagined it would be. I can't pin point why, either. I have had several anxiety attacks throughout the entire experience. The entire MCC environment shuts me down. The halls, the classrooms, the work. It all just gets to me. I have never been the shy type. If something makes me nervous I walk in, my head held high, and define someone to mess with me. This new found weakness is out of character . I have done everything from working myself up like I'm a big shot to going with it and hoping for the best. It all turns out the same. Heavy breathing, shaking, and near tears.
It's all still a mystery to me, but I have 5 weeks to figure it all out. I start summer classes June 11th! I have to say, I am proud of myself. Despite my panic attacks I am chugging along in my education. I have officially been in school since Fall of 2010, no long term breaks.
Along with school I have been working like a mad woman. I am up to about sixteen families I babysit. Not all consistently, but a majority-yes. It has been an amazing experience to be invited into these families. It has taught me the value of a job and money. It has taught me about children of all kinds and family life. It has taught me about parenting - high and low points. It has taught me lots of patience ~ truck loads of patiences. My job is definitely a challenge somedays, but I honestly, truthfully- can't say it with anymore truth- LOVE IT!! I can not imagine working a "normal" college job, I just can't!
Amongst working with several families I have "my family". SkyeLeigh Rae and I still share Fridays together. And now even on Tuesdays! She is growing up to be quite a character! She has an attitude on her! Her language is amazing and her expressions are priceless! That little girl has stolen my heart forever. I refuse to imagine my life with out her. Just typing how much I love her I am fighting back tears- didn't think I was that emotional. The love I have Skye runs miles wide, and if I love this child- no blood relation- so much I can not imagine what it will feel one day for my own child. Every time Skye says "Auntie Cay" I smile, no matter how stressed or unhappy I am at the moment! She is the light of my life.
Skye & I at the Children's Museum in Naperville in the beginning of April. I love this age!
Some how my friends and I manage to find time together between work and school. I have to say beginning college last fall the group of people I called my friends was a lot different then now. I was so ignorant to think that college would not change my friends. But then again I am not convinced it did. Certain obstacles and circumstance in life bring out a person's true colors. Maybe my true colors came out in the last year because my college experience has not been as glorious as I had hoped. However, I stand in the person I have been. In high school I was a no bull shit kind of person. If you upset me in any way I was not a coward. I confronted you. Sometimes it was unnecessary or inappropriate or not even worth it. But I am blunt and genuine. I am what I am. I am not ashamed of the person I am. I stand tall in my beliefs and will not fall. That attitude has cost me some friendships though. Its hard to except I could still have a friendship with a person had I just ignored what was going on. But I have no regrets in the past. However, starting college was somewhat a new beginning. The group of friends I hung out with over last summer I did know in high school. But I didn't know them as well as I hoped to get to know them. It was chance to start over and do things right.
Over the last year, there have been a few times I would have loved to just rip into a person. But part of growing up is knowing when to put a smile on your face or when to walk away. There have been a few friendships that I have had to walk away from. Had you told me a year ago I would be walking away from that person I would have laughed in your face, but God as a greater plan for them and me- just not together. The friendships I have had to walk away from just faded out. There was no blow up, no drama, no words exchanged. There were just fewer texts, fewer lunch dates, fewer conversations. It was refreshing. Walking away from these friendships knocked down the barriers that kept me from growing up. Friends are very influential and unfortunately you don't see the effect a friend has on you until you have stepped back.
Over the last few months I have learned another very important thing about friendship. Right now life for me and my peers is constantly changing. For the next 3-5 years we are going to be in college and working to pay bills. But in that time a lot could happen with relationships and kids and finances. Very little in today is stable for tomorrow. To say I know who my absolute best friends are like I stated in blogs from the Fall is just ignorance. Yet, I will say I have some very close friends that get me through today! Would I like them to be there on my wedding day, on the day I welcome children into the world, to celebrate accomplishments and to get me through the obstacles - YES! Will it happen? I am now big enough to say - I don't know. Only God knows who will be there.
To those who I consider a friend today and pray that one day I still call them friend - thank you. You have brought me memories and lessons I will keep even when you are gone.
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